These Shoulders of Doubt
by Cascade Waters
Summary: Jarod receives some mail with no return address--how can he stop the countdown on a timer he can't find?


These Shoulders of Doubt  
  
By Cascade  
  
Rated: PG  
  
Genre: Vignette  
  
Spoilers: Inner Sense, 2001  
  
Disclaimers: yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know I'm broke and borrowing them (Ethan really needs to be dusted)  
  
Note: Kudos if you can identify the source of the title.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Jarod held his breath. He felt as if his entire reality rested in his hands. After all this, after all his work and all this time, how could it all come down to something so. insubstantial?  
  
It had been a long and full day. He'd risen at around 4:45 that morning, feeling a bit selfish as he enjoyed the sunrise before getting to work on his latest project. He planned to complete it within the next two or three days, so he'd gone to the post office on a side trip to mail a package to a victim who was living in another country. Just as he was about to leave the office, though, one of the clerks noticed his name and called him back. After a few moments of minor confusion, the clerk handed Jarod a single gray envelope with a granite visual texture. The envelope was designer, from a line made for resumes and other high-class correspondence. It bore first class postage, no return address, and only Jarod's name written in calligraphy.  
  
His heart pounded as in his mind he filed through all the possibilities of people who might have sent him something--and been able to get it to the right place. Nothing that occurred to him could have prepared him for what he held in his hands. When he carefully opened the envelope and saw what was inside, his world compacted down to the space he and the letter occupied.  
  
Dear Jarod,  
  
I hope with all I am that this finds you well, safe, and well on your way to reuniting your family. I know it will happen one day; I can't tell you how I know, but I'm sure. I know you don't have any reason to trust me, that I haven't earned your trust or your respect, but all I can say is that I would stake my life on you regaining yours.  
  
Jarod, let me say first that even though I haven't known you for very long, I can't help but care about you. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable or even if it disgusts you, but that's just the way it is. What I've done in the past, what I almost did that night. it's insurmountable. You don't have to forgive me, and I hope to God that you don't understand what it's like to be me; you shouldn't have to know about that. I won't make excuses for that night--no excuse is good enough--I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I screwed up, and I'm the one who has to live--and die--with that.  
  
Jarod, I'm a criminal and a wimp and a freak, a pet that Raines created for his own use, and you shouldn't have to be my brother, but I can't change reality, and genetics don't lie. I know you never chose any of this, and you shouldn't have to be responsible for it, so I'll make at least this part easy for you. I can feel you, but you can't feel me, and that's a very good thing. I can see what kind of man you are and how you work, and you don't need another complication in your life. So I'm taking care of that for you. I can't let you rest your trust on these shoulders of doubt.  
  
I don't know if you ever wondered why--or even cared that--I left Monica's house. I couldn't stay there, Jarod; I couldn't do that to her. I am a repository of lies; I carry within me reminders--reminders of a woman who died too young and who died because of me, reminders of a little girl whose soul was wounded, reminders of you who grew up in a living tomb behind a wall of glass and lies. And it all connects to me, Jarod; everything Raines did led up to me, but I turned out. wrong, somehow, and I couldn't even manage to be good enough for him. Jarod, I know I could never exist in your reality, I could never be good enough for you or for your family, especially your father. I'm. I'm wrong, a failed experiment, a mistake with no past and no future.  
  
I didn't mean to get caught up in the fantasy of having a family or to cause problems by interfering in the infamous Parker lifestyle, but being there with her, and before that, being with you--it just felt so good, Jarod, like nothing I'd ever experienced before--like home. And I can't have that. I know what home means, Jarod, and I know I don't deserve that. I shouldn't have stayed so long, I should have had better control over my own feelings. I thought about this a lot, and so I left. I left to protect Monica, and to protect you--both of you--from me. I'm weak, Jarod, I was a puppet controlled by Raines, and even if he doesn't have me under his spell anymore, that doesn't erase three decades of being his petrie pet. I was created without the consent of the donors, and as much as I wish things were otherwise, I know I could never be a son that your father could be proud of, let alone someone he could love. I'm only a source of embarrassment; you and he could be nothing but ashamed of me.  
  
Jarod, I've been keeping an eye on you, trying to help keep the Centre teams misdirected and out of your way, and I know you've been putting out rare feelers for me. I'm writing to you to tell you that it's okay--you can stop looking. You don't have to find me or even try to find me. You're not duty-bound to do anything for me; you should just forget I exist, and tell Monica to do the same. Neither of you needs me in your life, and you have no reason to want me. It should be easy to just go on.  
  
Jarod, I know this is going to sound selfish and pathetic, but I don't want you to bother with me; I won't be an issue much longer anyway. Having me around would only complicate your life, and I can't do that to you. I can't help it; I just. I love you too much, Jarod.  
  
I wish with every forsaken fiber of my being that you find all the contentment and the refuge you desire; I will make sure that you can do so in a world that's clean, a world without Raines or the Centre or me.  
  
Love until my last breath,  
  
Ethan Noname  
  
Jarod slowly let out his breath. He read the letter again and again, and as he sat there, a part of him died. A sick feeling of emptiness replaced it, the heaviest hole in the world. His brother, his baby brother with such a sweet heart and a strong sense of everything but himself, was saying goodbye when he'd only just said hello. Jarod had worried so much about him when Ethan had left Parker's house, and he'd put out more than a few feelers to try to find him, but deep down he'd thought that Ethan was working on something and would return on his own when he was ready, coming back to claim his birthright and the love of his real family. Jarod hated to think of such a shy young man out in the world on his own, without the protection of his family, but Jarod had to remind himself that Ethan had survived years of Raines' keeping and that after breaking free of that kind of bondage, the young man could probably weather nearly any storm.  
  
Ethan was so smart and so brave to have survived so long; Jarod didn't know him very well, but when he'd held him on that train, Jarod's inner sense or instinct or whatever it was had woken up, and the most prominent impressions he'd gotten about his brother were strong, smart, and sweet. Jarod didn't particularly care if the rest of the world thought he shouldn't think of his brother that way. Ethan was what he was, a symbol of hope and love, and the rest of the world be.  
  
Jarod's eyes widened as the undertone of the letter hit him suddenly. He'd been able to feel Ethan's sincerity, his painful honesty and humility, how the younger man had opened up and meant every word, but Jarod had missed the inferences Ethan had made. Jarod glanced around in desperation for a date on the letter; finding none, he sucked in his breath. He didn't realize he was on his feet and in motion until he'd packed half of his duffel. Jarod didn't stop moving, but he made calculations and decisions with every heartbeat, trying to keep the fear at bay, trying to keep moving; somehow he knew that if he stopped, even for a moment, it would sink in that he was at a loss. He was used to racing against time to rescue strangers, but this time it was someone he loved, someone he needed in his life, and for once Jarod had absolutely no idea what to do.  
  
For the first time in recent memory, Jarod left a pretend unfinished, hastily jotting a note for the young man he knew would come to check on him. In the note he stated his suspicions and his findings thus far in the case; on his way out, Jarod tried not to think about the fact that he was trusting a college kid to finish what the Pretender had started.  
  
By the time he reached the bus station, twilight had settled over the area; Jarod spent the long bus ride thinking, refusing to let himself stop to rest for fear of having to greet a reality he could not accept.  
  
Just before dawn, exhausted and frighteningly near tears, Jarod plugged his laptop into a jack in a coffee shop and made the most helpless phone call of his life, waking up the only person in the world with the power to help him--and the last person he wanted to share this with. Twenty minutes later he'd rented a car and hit the road, and an hour after that he reached a small airstrip where a plane sat waiting for him in a hangar.  
  
As he lifted into the air and pointed his plane away from the rising sun, Jarod briefly closed his eyes, let a single tear escape, and said a prayer to a God he'd never known that this time he was wrong, that this time his inner sense was off, that this time he was overreacting and that he wasn't too late. The sun chasing him, the emptiness growing within him, he raced across the sky, not knowing where he'd land but certain that if he could not fill the void in time, the emptiness would consume him, and no amount of engineering could revive a shattered soul. 


End file.
